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PostPosted: Mon Feb 11, 2019 4:45 pm Reply with quote
StephanG
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Don't Touch the Bits Laughing

https://www.youtube.com/embed/sbF-4LOOC5c

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PostPosted: Mon Feb 25, 2019 4:42 pm Reply with quote
StephanG
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A group of students were taking a computer course at the local collage.

After a couple of weeks the lecturer decided it was time to have a bit of fun so he divided the students into 2 groups, boys and girls, and set them the task of determining “what gender computers are”.

The 2 groups went away and there followed several hours of serious discussion until finally both groups had an answer.

The boys were the first to deliver their findings and they reported that
computers were definitely female for the following reasons.

1/ now one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2/ when they communicate with each other they use code language
that only they and experts understand.
3/ every mistake you make is stored internally for later retrieval.
4/ as soon as you get one you spend a fortune buying accessories for it.

The girls however had a different view and they reported computers are definitely male for the following reasons.

1/ to get their attention you have to turn them on.
2/ they have a lot of data but still can not think for themselves.
3/ they are supposed to help you solve problems but more often
they create bigger problems.
4/ as soon as you get one you find out that there was a better model available.

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PostPosted: Thu Mar 21, 2019 5:55 pm Reply with quote
StephanG
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A few people might relate to this one

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PostPosted: Thu Mar 21, 2019 6:27 pm Reply with quote
Neilywatch
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Laughing

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PostPosted: Fri Mar 22, 2019 6:41 pm Reply with quote
StephanG
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This is a good one

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ozinIE-E0wM

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PostPosted: Thu Mar 28, 2019 5:24 pm Reply with quote
StephanG
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Children Are Quick
____________________________________
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's..
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

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PostPosted: Thu Mar 28, 2019 7:29 pm Reply with quote
Neilywatch
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I dunno

Most of these would get them sent to the Principal's office!

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PostPosted: Tue Apr 16, 2019 6:28 pm Reply with quote
StephanG
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Bit of an oldie this one but still a clever play on words.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LJtNHs4BfYg

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PostPosted: Wed Apr 17, 2019 10:22 pm Reply with quote
StephanG
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Practical demonstration of Beer Verses Water

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ES2xC_EQGC4

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PostPosted: Mon Apr 29, 2019 6:22 pm Reply with quote
StephanG
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During her physical examination, a doctor asked a retired woman about
her physical activity level. The woman said she spent 3 days a week,
every week in the outdoors.

The Doctor wanted a bit more detail.

Well replied the woman.

Yesterday afternoon was typical;

I took a five hour walk about 7
miles through some pretty rough terrain.
I waded along the edge of a lake.
I pushed my way through 2 miles of brambles.
I got sand in my shoes and my eyes.
I barely avoided stepping on a snake.
I climbed several rocky hills.
I went to the bathroom behind some big trees.
I ran away from an irate mother kangaroo and then ran away from several swooping magpies.
The mental stress of it all left me raggard.

At the end of it all I drank a scotch and three glasses of wine.

Amazed by the story, the doctor said,

"You must be one hell of an outdoor woman!"

"No," the woman replied, "I'm just a really, really shitty golfer!"

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PostPosted: Tue May 07, 2019 6:04 pm Reply with quote
StephanG
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One Monday morning, a postman was walking through a neighborhood on his usual route delivering the mail. As he approached one of the homes, he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.

His curiosity was cut short by Craig, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

"Wow Craig, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night" the postman commented.

Craig, in obvious pain, replied "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?"

The postman thought for a moment and said "How do you play WHO AM I?"

Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only their 'private parts' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is".

The postman laughed and said "Sounds like fun. I'm sorry I missed it".

"Probably a good thing you did" Craig responded. "Your name came up seven times!"

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PostPosted: Mon May 20, 2019 7:53 pm Reply with quote
StephanG
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A guy is driving around the back country and he sees a sign in front of a broken down house: 'Talking Dog For Sale'

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.



'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told ASIO.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
'I got married, had a litter of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'


'Because he's a bullshit artist.

He's never been out of the yard'.

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PostPosted: Sat Jun 08, 2019 5:43 pm Reply with quote
StephanG
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An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

COLD BEER: $4.00
HAMBURGER: $6.00
CHEESEBURGER: $7.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $8.50
HAND JOB: $25.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.

She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.

Yes? she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. May I help you sir?

The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?

She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs, Yes sir, I sure am.

The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly,

Well then, be sure to wash your hands properly, because I want a cheeseburger!

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PostPosted: Tue Jun 11, 2019 8:11 pm Reply with quote
StephanG
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After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train".

Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.



When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."



Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.

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PostPosted: Thu Jul 04, 2019 1:04 am Reply with quote
StephanG
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This is clever

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GEWnXmDfVZg

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