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PostPosted: Tue Jul 09, 2019 5:25 pm Reply with quote
StephanG
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Two indigenous Australians, Sammy Watson & ‘Toffee Apple’ Tarpo, were driving their well used, ancient and much abused old Holden station wagon in the outback, about 50 km north of Alice Springs, when ahead of them in the distance they spotted a police “booze bus” parked across the highway.

Rather than trying to avoid it by turning round, Sammy who was driving headed straight for the police checkpoint. As they were flagged down and came to a halt, Sammy wound down his window and said to the two cops,

“G’day brudders! Two cold cans of triple X … tanks!”

The first cop glared at him and said, “You must be drunk! Get out of the car now and blow into this tube!”

Sammy said, “Sorry boss, I can’t blow into dat fing … I gotta letter from me doctor in Cunnamulla saying dat I’m asthmatic and I’ll pass out if I blow inta dat.”

The second cop smirked and said, “OK fella, in that case, we require you to give us a blood sample.”

“Nah, sorry boss, can’t do that either,” replied Sammy. “I got a letter from the Red Cross in Alice stating I’m a haemophiliac and I could bleed to death real quick if I gave a blood sample. So, sorry, boss, can’t do that!”

By now the cops were getting very irate so one of them demanded that Sammy provide a urine sample for testing.

Once again, Sammy shook his head. “Nah, sorry boss, can’t do that either."

The first cop couldn’t believe his ears. “Don’t tell me you’ve got a letter for that as well!”

“Too bloody right, mate!” replied Sammy, producing a tatty scrap of paper.

“Take a look at this, mate. It’s from Scott Morrison, the Prime Minister of our lovely country of Australia. He apologises for all the discrimination of the past and says you white fellas can’t take the piss out of us black fellas no more!”

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PostPosted: Sat Jul 13, 2019 6:18 pm Reply with quote
StephanG
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Each Friday night after work, Heinrich would fire up his barbeque on the shore of Arthurs Lake and cook a venison steak.

All of Heinrich’s neighbours were Catholic ... and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on a Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks wafted over the neighbourhood, and was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Heinrich, and suggested that he become a Catholic.

After several classes and much study, Heinrich attended Mass ... and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Lutheran, and raised a Lutheran, but now you are a Catholic."

Heinrich’s neighbours were relieved, until Friday night arrived and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison once again filled the neighbourhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbours, and he rushed over to Heinrich’s place clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, when suddenly he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Heinrich, clutching a small bottle of holy water, which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:

"You vuz born a deer, you vuz raised a deer, but now you is a rainbow trout."

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 15, 2019 6:44 pm Reply with quote
StephanG
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Should Children Witness Childbirth?

Good question. Here's your answer.

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mummy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.


The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.....

Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......smack him again!'

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PostPosted: Fri Aug 02, 2019 6:06 pm Reply with quote
StephanG
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This explains a lot about my ancestors who came from this part of the world.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=93RI7Z3HhZk

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PostPosted: Sun Aug 11, 2019 5:58 pm Reply with quote
StephanG
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CARDINALS DON'T SIN!!



Three Irishmen Catholics are sitting in the pub window seat, idly chatting and drinking their beers, watching the front door of the Cathouse across the road.

They see the local AOG preacher appear, knock on the door and quickly go inside.

"Would you look at that!” exclaims the first Irishman. "Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites those buggers are?"

No sooner are the words out of his mouth than an Adventist pastor appears at the door, knocks, and also disappears inside.

“Dere's another bugger trying to fool his flock with his pious preaching !"

They continue drinking while roundly condemning the preacher and the pastor when they see their Cardinal knock on the brothel door.

"Ah, now dat’s sad," says the third Irishman, “One of the girls must have died.!"

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PostPosted: Thu Aug 22, 2019 5:36 pm Reply with quote
StephanG
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Medicare Part G

If you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself and need Long-Term Care, but the government says there is no Nursing Home care available for you, what do you do? You may opt for Medicare Part G.

The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (Part G) and one bullet. You may then shoot one worthless politician.

This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library, and all the health care you need. Need new teeth? No problem.
Need glasses? That's great. Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart? They are all covered!

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now!

And, who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can't afford for you to go into a nursing home. And you will get rid of a useless politician while you are at it. Also, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income tax!

Is this a great country or what?

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PostPosted: Sun Aug 25, 2019 6:25 pm Reply with quote
StephanG
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A young couple were out to dinner last night enjoying their meal.

Just after the main meal they noticed a young man acting suspiciously near their car which they could see through a window.

He appeared to be trying to get into it.

They raised the alarm and were followed outside by several other patrons.

There was a bit of a dust up and eventually the patrons managed to detain the suspect and call the authorities.

During this action the youth dropped a back pack he was carrying and a bunch of marking pens, spray cans, etc spilled from it.

It appears he had a night of tagging in mind.

When police arrived they detained the youth who was now sporting a very heavy mustash, very thick eye brows and assorted other facial features.

It appears that during the struggle to detain him several of the marking pens lost their caps and he may have fallen on them.

That's what the police report will say and you can't argue with that.

His hair may also have changed colour from the stress of being detained.

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PostPosted: Mon Sep 16, 2019 6:47 pm Reply with quote
StephanG
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BBQ rules:

We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

1 The woman buys the food.

2 The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

3 The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

4 The woman remains outside the compulsory three metre exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:

5 THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

6 The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.

7 The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat

Important again:

8 THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

9 The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

10 After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes

And most important of all:

11 Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

12 The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women

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PostPosted: Mon Oct 21, 2019 4:27 pm Reply with quote
StephanG
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clever

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PostPosted: Sun Dec 08, 2019 11:48 pm Reply with quote
StephanG
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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you, don't bother coming after me" Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom, she could see him walking towards the dresser and pick up the note...

After a few minutes he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone ; - "she's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy french nightie. I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like".

He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.

She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote;

"I can see your feet. We're outta bread, back in 5 min."

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PostPosted: Thu Dec 12, 2019 3:54 pm Reply with quote
StephanG
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Thank You

My thanks to all those who have sent me e-mails this past year.

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and Amazon are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I can no longer buy petrol without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl into my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big redback spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't even pick up the $5.00 I found dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

Have a wonderful day!

Oh, and by the way - A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!

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PostPosted: Wed Dec 18, 2019 2:32 am Reply with quote
StephanG
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A young Sydney woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the harbour.

Just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man."I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow

I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold.

>From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine and make love with her until dawn.

Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy."

"I see," the captain said.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain.

"This is the Manley Cross Harbour Ferry."

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Tall Stories
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