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WORLDWIDE Chapter 149 Message Board Forum Index » Stephen Gaal's BLOG » That's a good one.
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That's a good one.
PostPosted: Thu Mar 26, 2020 4:20 pm Reply with quote
StephanG
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Location: Melbourne Australia




The Greek and the Irishman

A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbucks one day comparing their two cultures.


Over a double latte, the Greek mentions “We built the Parthenon, you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo.”

“Well, it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.”

“But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics.”

“Granted, but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces.”

Knowing that he’s about to deliver the coup de grace, the son of Athens points out with a note of finality: “Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!”

“True enough, but it was the Irish who got women involved.”

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PostPosted: Sun Mar 29, 2020 1:45 am Reply with quote
John B Scott
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A thief broke into a house mid-afternoon and found a man and a woman at home.

He tied the woman to a chair and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the money and jewellery.

The man started sobbing and said, ”Take anything you want, but please untie and free her.”

Thief, laughingly: “You must really love your wife!”

Man: “Not particularly, but she will be home soon.”

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Contagious
PostPosted: Mon Mar 30, 2020 4:45 am Reply with quote
John B Scott
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Contagious

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Toilet paper
PostPosted: Mon Mar 30, 2020 4:46 am Reply with quote
John B Scott
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Toilet paper

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PostPosted: Fri Apr 17, 2020 4:38 pm Reply with quote
StephanG
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Location: Melbourne Australia




The Moral of Auntie Barbara!

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.'

'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher.

'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'

'Very good,' said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'

'That was a fine story Sarah.'

Michael, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Barbara. Aunty Barbara was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she
ran out of bullets.

Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.
And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'


'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'


'Stay away from Aunty Barbara when she's pissed.'

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PostPosted: Thu May 07, 2020 10:39 pm Reply with quote
StephanG
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From the locals

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TAOq99LdsoY

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PostPosted: Fri Jun 12, 2020 7:28 pm Reply with quote
StephanG
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An old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw $500.”
The female teller told her, “For withdrawals less than $5,000, please use the ATM.”

The old lady then asked, “Why?”

The teller irritably told her, “These are rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a queue behind you.”

She then returned the card to the old lady.

The old lady remained silent... but then she returned the card to the teller and said, “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.”

The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance.
She nodded her head, leaned down and said to the old lady, “My apologies Granny, you have $3.5 million in your account.
Our bank does not have so much cash currently.
Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?”

The old lady then asked, “How much am I able to withdraw now?”

The teller told her, “Any amount up to $300,000”

The old lady then told the teller that she wanted to withdraw $300,000 from her account.

The teller did so quickly and handed it to the old lady respectfully.

The old lady kept $500 in her bag and asked the teller to deposit the balance of $299,500 back into her account.





Don't be difficult with Seniors ... we can outwit you.

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PostPosted: Fri Jun 19, 2020 5:18 pm Reply with quote
StephanG
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Basic Laws of the Universe. These are like Gravity and can not be avoided.



1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll need to pee.


2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.


3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.


4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged signal; someone always answers.


5. Variation Law - If you change queues(or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now


6. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.


7. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically
when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.


8. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!


9. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.


10. Law of the Theatre - The people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last.
They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet
and who leave early before the end of the performance.
The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies
and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.


11. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.


12. The Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.


13. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor
are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.


14. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.


15. Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.


16. Law of Public Speaking -- A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!


17. Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it
OR the store will stop selling it!


18. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better.
But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

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That's a good one.
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